Anything? REALLY? ANYTHING??? How about… support my rights as a gay atheist????

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(Hat Tip to Rev. Reed Braden for this one.)

So, the offer is that they will do anything to get me to come to church.  I have developed a list of expectations, and they ALL must be met before I will come to church.

  • Make me bed in breakfast.
  • Stop evangelizing… entirely.
  • Make me lunch and dinner.
  • Wash my dishes and dry them when I’m done.
  • Buy me a house with a lawn.
  • Mow my lawn in summer.
  • Shovel snow in winter.
  • Send a limo to pick me up on Sunday morning.
  • Accept the fact that you aren’t funny.
  • Drop off my dry cleaning.
  • Pick up my kids from practice.
  • Train my dog to not shit on my floor and clean it up if he does.
  • Preach 100% acceptance and inclusion of the LGBT community, including support of all laws to ensure and protect our rights.
  • Rake my leaves in autumn.
  • Plant my flowers in springtime.
  • Stop calling morning “morn” as if it makes you sound coo’.  It doesn’t.
  • Do not touch my hair.
  • Dress normally.
  • I have no idea what “bunnies on their toes” means but don’t ever say it ever again.
  • Don’t bother with a clown nose because you aren’t funny either way.
  • Leave your own hair alone too.  It’s bad enough.
  • Okay, that’s 3 “morns” that have gone by and now I’m really starting to mourn this song.
  • Deal with the fact that I don’t pray.
  • Show Queer As Folk episodes while I’m at church.
  • Don’t even say the “M-“ word.  It was banned as being too uncool about 12 years ago.
  • Don’t Russian Tango.  I don’t know if I’d even want to see Russian Tango stars Russian Tango.
  • Dance like Michael Jackson?  That might be interesting, but I doubt it belongs in church.  You’d probably try to tell me Queer As Folk doesn’t belong there either, so isn’t that a double standard?
  • Dance, Dance, Revolution?  I love DDR!  That might get me there, but you better not hog the pad.
  • The YMCA?  Now you’re speaking my language!
  • Okay, don’t talk like you’re having a painful bowel movement… it’s not pleasant for anybody.
  • Spend a Sunday talking about how much more rewarding life is when you are enjoying it for what it is instead of worrying about some afterlife.

Okay, you know what?  This just sounds too complicated.  And now I kind of feel like I’m being blackmailed with all these awful things you’ll do if I don’t come to church.  I don’t like blackmail.  Tell you what… You have your fun at church.  I will sleep in and not feel guilty.  Best wishes!

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