How to Patronize the President in the Name of Religious Privilege

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Here’s another warped “Perspective” from One News Now entitled, “A plea to the president to attend church.” I’ve broken the piece down to some handy tips for trying to get the President to do more to reinforce the privilege you and your fellow Christians deserve. I hope it’s helpful.

Step 1 – Pander, Pander, Pander!

Example 1:

An open letter to the leader of the free world:

Example 2:

In other ways your actions have been exemplary.

Step 2 – Tell The President How To Be A “Proper” Christian

Example 1:

As you know, attending Sunday morning worship enables you to worship God, which for Christians is both a responsibility and privilege.

Example 2:

You invite others to look at your life as an example. Thus, it is especially important to support your profession of Christian faith by fellowshipping and worshipping with other believers.

Example 3:

One excellent way to demonstrate your Christian commitment, which some Americans question, and provide spiritual nurture for yourself and for your family, is to attend church consistently.

Step 3 – Tell The President How To Do His Job

Example 1:

These services help supply you with moral inspiration and spiritual strength, which are vital to your work as president.

Example 2:

Equally important, your regular attendance would set a good example for our nation.

Example 3:

As our nation’s first African-American president, you obviously care about being a positive role model. You often use your own experiences, struggles, and accomplishments to prod and inspire others.

(Reminding him that you’re holding him to a higher standard because he’s not white and you don’t know how he got in there is helpful.)

Step 4: Subtly Blackmail To Withdraw The Support You’re Not Offering Anyway

Example 1:

You have repeatedly claimed that your faith is important to you and helps guide your political priorities, policies, and work. You have frequently used religious rhetoric and scriptural principles and passages to support legislation you are promoting. You have also sought to enlist clergy, committed lay Christians, and religious organizations to work to achieve causes in which you believe strongly. Moreover, attending church faithfully would testify to your professed values and help you gain greater credibility with religious Americans.

Example 2:

Before your inauguration, a reporter asked me if you might choose not to attend church. I responded that this was very unlikely because you frequently claimed that your faith is genuine and that you derived insight and direction from worship and prayer. Moreover, you appeared to want to provide a church home and experience for your family. I added that your desire to set a good example and maintain positive relations with religious conservatives, many of whom criticize your positions on various moral and political issues, also made your regular church attendance likely. So far, Mr. President, I have been wrong.

Step 5 – Write A Pointless, Self-Serving Letter That Does Nothing But Fuel The Deep-Rooted Resentment Of People Who Already Agree With You

And then you’re done!

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