So, Christwire.org has an article up this week with 15 ways women can tell if their husbands are gay. What, is “an enduring physical and romantic attractions to other men” not a good enough check these days? Apparently this is a problem in our nation. Could it be that the incredible stigma against being gay has forced men to hide their real identity and lead false lives? The way the article reads, the men just don’t know better. In fact, “homosexuality can pop up at any during a long-term relationship.” It’s like sexual orientation whack-a-mole!
And no, I’m pretty sure this is not a Poe. [Hmm… it really has to be. But it’s a good Poe, because it surely has folks on both sides fooled. If people believe it is real, does that make it real?]
I don’t know that I’m the most stereotypical gay. The closet is a figment of my imagination at this point, so I wouldn’t be fooling anybody, but my behaviors don’t necessarily fit. Let’s take a look at how Christwire wants women to identify gay men and see how I fit. (Forewarning: All gay men are obsessed with sex, drugs, and their own bodies.)
By the way, the picture is your first clue: if he’s skinny (skinnier than you), hairless, and has messy Elijah Wood hair, you might be in a really stereotyping photoshoot.
1) Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers
Hmm… I suppose I’m not really secretive about my late night computer use. It’s about 9:30 PM right now as I’m working on this post, which will be visible to the world wide web, so I guess that’s not very secretive. The author (a man) tells women that “for the sake of trust, a married couple should share everything, including phone logs, email accounts, chat friends and website histories.” Why do I have a hunch a man could easily set up this arrangement specifically to make it easier to hide what he was doing? Hello, Google Chrome Incognito.
2) Looks at other men in a flirtatious way
Alright, guilty as charged. In fact, I struggle with being subtle with my flirtation. I admitted on this week’s Queer and Queerer that I openly objectify my attractive friends. Sorry unattractive friends; when it comes to ogling, I’m as superficial as the next guy. I particularly love my straight male friends who openly flirt back; now that is trust and security in masculinity. Kudos, boys, for getting over yourselves.
3) Feigning attention in church and prayer groups
Not me. While churches might be the best place to pick up dudes, this atheist doesn’t need any closet cases in his life. Sorry, boys, but you won’t have me to prey pray on.
4) Overly fastidious about his appearance and the home
Well, I shower. I don’t have the “certain amount of grit” that “natural men” who sweat and smell have, but I don’t tweeze or get picky about my shampoo. Heck, I’m so old-fashioned I still use a wash cloth and bar soap. That’s gotta give me some straight points. Remind me what this has to do with whether or not I like cock? (Sorry potential employers who are reading this; I’m just being derisive for humorous effect. I hope you’re laughing!)
5) Gym membership but no interest in sports
Nope. Well, not really. I’m not interested in sports, but I don’t have a gym membership either. Just think how much I’ll be able to enjoy life without all the time wasted on my body for the sake of appealing to other guys who are so superficial that not having a six-pack is a deal-breaker. I can be healthy without spending every day trying to look like a Chippendale. Please. (Also, not a big fan of bathroom sex here. Hey! That’s what the article alleges!)
6) Clothes that are too tight and too “trendy”
I do think I look better it fitted clothes, but I’m hardly trendy. My wardrobe largely comes from Kohl’s, Old Navy, and Aeropostale. To all the gay men out there who just fainted, I do at least own one item of clothing from A&F (a super comfy cashmere scarf!). I certainly don’t own skinny jeans, and I don’t have to look at my butt in the mirror to know it looks good, thank you very much.
7) Strange sexual demands
So get this, heteros. If you want butt-sex from your lady, or you want her to tie you up and use you, that means you’re probably gay. You’re not allowed to be adventurous (or even curious) without having “deep emotional abnormalities.” Fetishes are fun. I don’t know who this Stephenson Billings guy is who wrote this POS article, but I’m worried about him. TALK ABOUT REPRESSION. (I’d rather talk about kink!)
8) More interested in the men than the women in pornographic films
There are porn films with women in them? Gross.
(I love you ladies, but… you know.)
9) Travels frequently to big cities or Asia
It’s true that gay culture only exists in Asia. Wait, what? I mean, it’s true that gay culture only exists in big cities. It’s annoying. It drives me crazy that central PA doesn’t have any bathhouses. I mean, where’s a guy supposed to go for lots of random anonymous sex in middle America? (Just kidding, folks, I don’t even know where to go with this one… Thailand?)
10) Too many friendly young male friends
Long hugs with young guys… nice. Incidentally, it was a straight man who bought me that scarf I referenced earlier. He was a good guy. And roommate. I miss him.
He was straight; I promise.
I guess I do have lots of young guy friends, but I’m a young guy, so, I guess, that’s just the way it goes.
11) Sassy, sarcastic and ironic around his friends
12) Love of pop culture
Meh. Apparently, “genuine heterosexual men” avoid gossip websites, Glee, and The Golden Girls. I don’t read gossip sites at all, and I’m not overly thrilled with The Golden Girls (at least not like my gay breathren), but I do love Glee. I’m going to say that this one does not adequately apply to me. Do I care that Chelsea Handler is going to host the MTV Video Music Awards? Who?
13) Extroverted about his bare chest in public
Uhhhhh… nope. No shirtlesness, no speedo at the beach.
14) Sudden heavy drinking
I don’t need to hide my distress. No drinking binges, no smoking, no crying. Sorry, Christwire.
15) Ladies, have you dated men in the past who turned out to be gay?
I did date a few girls in high school. Two of them are currently married. I should go ask them…
So how did I score? Only like… five? But you know what? I am gay.
Hey men, don’t beat yourself up. You don’t have to change who you are to be gay. Just come out and be yourself and be happy. Don’t ruin these poor women’s lives. You don’t need them worrying that they’re going to Hell because they think they’ve been infected with teh gay.
I guess I get an extra point for saying “teh.”