Friday Fundamentalist Farce File – 1/28/2011

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It’s been a very long time since I last published this feature (so much so that it was before I reformatted the layout over a year ago), but I thought it was time to bring it back. There won’t be one next week because of Creating Change, but I think I’ll try to keep this pretty regular.

[The Friday Fundamentalist Farce File is a week’s worth of “news” clippings from conservative hubs like WorldNetDaily and the American Family Association’s OneNewsNow. Millions of Americans absorb these messages as gospel truth—literally—on a daily basis.]

1/22/11 – Kids put on ‘hate crimes’ list for schoolyard taunts

Great Britain decided it was a good idea to keep track of racist and homophobic incidents that occur at schools. Doing so gives the government a sense of how prevalent such incidents are and to make sure that schools are actually addressing bullying as they are expected to. Of course, WND thinks this is a problem.

Following last year’s publicized case of 10-year-old Peter Drury – who was added to his school’s hate register for calling his friend “gay boy” – Dr. Michele Elliott of the charity Kidscape told the Mail, “Children are being criminalized and singled out here from a very early age when they don’t know what they’re doing.”

“It must be explained that [this behavior] is wrong,” added Margaret Morrissey, founder of the campaign group Parents Outloud. “But to keep a register that will haunt them for years to come is going far too far and is against all rights.”

Drury’s mother told the paper of her son, “He doesn’t even understand about the birds and the bees, so how can he be homophobic?”

Oh, Mrs. Drury, let me count the ways.

Here’s a quick lesson how to be productive: Identify a problem. Address the problem. Assess whether the solution has successfully addressed the problem. Continue developing solutions to address the problem. If you don’t continue to identity and assess the problem, the problem will surely persist.

Of course, the real issue here is not that anybody thinks the actual reporting is a problem. They don’t think that there’s really anything wrong at all, and they don’t like it being called out:

Adrian Hart, the report’s author, told the Mail, “I feel that childhood itself is under attack. It’s absolutely the case that these policies misunderstand children quite profoundly.

Racist incident reporting generates the illusion of a problem with racism in Britain’s schools by trawling the everyday world of playground banter, teasing, childish insults – the sort of things that every teacher knows happens out there in the playground,” Hart said.

Get it? Saying racist stuff to people isn’t really racism, because children just don’t understand what they’re saying! Just let it go.

Or how about no.

1/23/11 – Genetically selecting ‘gay’ embryos?

Feel like your strategies for demonizing those dirty gays are running stale? Reboot them by making up the most absurd shit you can think of and demonize them for things they haven’t even done yet!

This article is all about how same-sex couples in the future will use “procreative liberty” to abort any babies that aren’t genetically proven to be gay like they are.

What’s great about this article is that it concedes all the legal turf conservative groups usually hold. The couple will be married and have a kid. It’s inevitable. But apparently, gays are eager to abort heterosexual babies.

I’m not going to lie, I’m a whole lot more worried about heterosexual couples trying to prevent a gay child from being born than the other way around.

1/24/11 – Gov. ran ‘head-on into political correctness’

I wrote last week about how Alabama’s new governor made it quite clear that he wasn’t interested in representing non-Christians. How did OneNewsNow spin the story to make him look like the victim?

Dr. Al Mohler, Jr., president of The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, says that the governor didn’t say anything wrong. Any evangelical would understand it! Duh!

Bentley was “attempting to build bridges,” explains the seminary president. “His first statement was a very comprehensive statement of the unity of all believers in Christ — it is in Christ, due to the adoption that is ours in Christ, that we are brothers and sisters together.”

You see, the problem isn’t anything Gov. Bentley said. The problem is just that damn political correctness got in the way. If only people stopped getting so offended, it wouldn’t be a problem.

“[His remark] ran into a head-on collision with political correctness and with a secular culture that doesn’t even understand the terms in which the governor was speaking,” he says. “The governor is an experienced Sunday school teacher; he knows how to speak as a Christian to Christians — and I’m sure this was a rather bitter lesson in learning that the secular world doesn’t always hear things the same way.”

The only reason non-Christians thought his remarks were inappropriate is because they’re not Christian. It makes perfect sense!

1/25/11 – Hoping Christian politicians ‘will be found faithful’

This Al Mohler fellow really has nothing better to do than offer talking points to OneNewsNow (or maybe article writer Russ Jones just doesn’t know anyone else to call).

On Tuesday, he was going on about the twelve new Southern Baptists in Congress and how he prays they’ll be “faithful,” whatever that means. The language isn’t very subtle that he wants them to “bring the full wealth of conviction… the full resources of the Christian worldview” to the job of governing.

The article points out that 304 members of Congress (57%) hold Protestant beliefs. It also inaccurately points out that “no member of Congress… declares himself an atheist, agnostic, or ‘nothing in particular.” Apparently they’ve never heard of Representative Pete Stark.

1/26/11 – Planned Parenthood’s troubling ‘philosophy’

This isn’t a news story. It’s just a mom in Tennessee complaining that Planned Parenthood is actually teaching her kid about sex.

How do you teach sex without teaching how to have sex? And encouraging sex? What does that even mean?

Anything to keep people afraid of Planned Parenthood; they’re turning all of our young people into whores.

1/27/11 – Students vouch for Bible course’s benefits

It’s okay to teach the Bible in a public school if all the students say it’s great!

I actually have mixed feelings about this. I think studying the Bible as literature is worthwhile, particularly if you read all of the really dark stories that don’t come up often in Church, and not just the pretty ones. Studying literature means being critical and considering all the parts, after all.

But what the Chino Valley Unified School District is doing seems inappropriate. Using the literature course as a cover, they seem to be using the course to teach Christianity as well. The Board president is not so subtle about it.

Board president James Na, who envisioned the course, says that he was “highly impressed” by students and board members who voiced their support of the Bible course in the community’s classrooms. He is convinced that young people need the Word of God to direct their lives.

“And these young people should be not only taught but nurtured to be our future face of this nation, with understanding of our foundation as a Christian nation,” he comments.

Na also mentioned how the class discusses how the Bible relates to American historical heritage. Sounds more like a Texas State Board of Education “history” class than a literature class.  We should be highly dubious.

1/28/11 – Debt-limit vote ‘opportunity’ for House Repubs

Just when you thought they couldn’t get any crazier (we are talking about birther central here), WorldNetDaily showed today just how off the deep end they really are.

They are organizing a campaign to urge Republicans to oppose raising the debt ceiling. By threatening to vote “no,” they can force the Democrats to cut the budget in an historic way.

What Joseph Farah doesn’t point out is that if the debt ceiling is not raised by that particular deadline, the entire U.S. government will shut down (i.e. no salaries for federal employees until the problem is fixed), which could also spark financial disaster the world over.

But hey, destroying the world economy is a good plan if it means the Republicans get a little more power over the government, right? Priorities, priorities.

I think any plan that involves these names should be particularly avoided:

Sens. Jim DeMint, R-S.C., and Pat Toomey, R-Pa., are already on record as opposing an increase in the debt limit. Rep. Michelle Bachmann, R-Minn., has also advocated the plan.

Oh, Farah also said that Obama and the Democrats “keep bailing out the wealthy.” I’m sure all the blue-collar workers whose jobs and pensions were saved by the bailouts feel exactly the same way.

Feel free to go and sign the petition. It’s not Faustian at all.

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